In the landscape of modern mental health, few concepts are as sought after—and as frequently misunderstood—as "closure." For many, closure is envisioned as a final, clarifying conversation, a heartfelt apology, or a moment of mutual understanding that neatly ties up the loose ends of a relationship or a traumatic event. However, psychological experts are increasingly challenging this "external" definition of closure, suggesting instead that true resolution is an internal process that remains entirely within an individual’s control.
Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, a licensed professional clinical counselor and founder of Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching, argues that the wait for an external apology often becomes the very barrier to healing. "I used to think that closure and healing were the same. I was wrong," Dicken notes. "Finding closure is not an easy thing to come by. Most of the time, finding closure is harder to attain than healing."
This shift in perspective—from viewing closure as a gift received from another to a decision made for oneself—represents a significant evolution in how clinicians approach grief, breakups, and interpersonal trauma.
The Triad of Recovery: Healing, Forgiveness, and Closure
To understand why closure is so elusive, one must first distinguish it from its psychological counterparts: healing and forgiveness. While these terms are often used interchangeably in casual conversation, they represent distinct stages of emotional recovery.
1. Forgiveness: The Change of Heart
Forgiveness is primarily an internal shift. It is the conscious decision to release resentment and the desire for retribution against someone who has caused harm. Crucially, forgiveness does not require the other person’s participation, nor does it necessitate reconciliation. As Dicken explains, "Forgiveness is a change of heart… it just means that you choose not to become bitter."
2. Healing: The Internal Recovery
Healing is the biological and psychological process of the "wound" closing. It is the reduction of acute pain and the restoration of emotional equilibrium. According to research cited by the American Psychological Association (APA), healing is often the byproduct of forgiveness. When an individual stops carrying the heavy weight of resentment, the body’s stress response (cortisol levels) tends to stabilize, leading to lower anxiety and improved cardiovascular health.
3. Closure: The Ability to Move On
Closure is the final stage—the "turning of the page." It is the point at which the past event no longer dictates the individual’s present identity or future choices. While healing addresses the pain, closure addresses the narrative. It is the moment an individual decides that the "chapter" is finished, regardless of whether the ending was "satisfactory" or "fair."
The Chronology of Moving On: From Waiting to Realization
The journey toward closure typically follows a chronological path that begins with a period of stagnation and ends with a reclamation of agency.
Phase I: The Waiting Room
In the immediate aftermath of a loss or betrayal, individuals often enter a "waiting room" phase. They believe they cannot move forward until they receive an explanation or an apology. This phase is characterized by "perseveration"—the act of repetitively dwelling on a grievance or a "why" that has no answer.
Phase II: The Deconstruction of the Myth
The second phase involves the realization that an apology may never come, or if it does, it may be insufficient. This is where the concept of "the lack of respect as closure" becomes vital. If a partner leaves without explanation, or a friend refuses to take accountability, their actions provide the answer that their words did not. The lack of care is, in itself, a definitive conclusion.
Phase III: Turning the Page
The final phase is a conscious choice. Dicken uses the metaphor of a book: "Each chapter has a different issue, a different problem, a different dynamic. And once that chapter is over, the reader must turn the page." This phase is not about forgetting the past, but about refusing to let the previous chapter prevent the next one from being written.
Supporting Data: The Psychological Impact of Letting Go
The benefits of self-generated closure are backed by a growing body of clinical evidence. The American Psychological Association (APA) emphasizes that practicing forgiveness and seeking internal closure are linked to significant mental health improvements.
- Anxiety and Depression: Studies show that individuals who wait for external validation (an apology) before moving on remain in a state of hyper-vigilance and rumination, which are primary drivers of clinical anxiety and depressive episodes.
- Emotional Well-being: By shifting the locus of control from the "offender" to the "self," individuals report a greater sense of empowerment. This "internal locus of control" is a key predictor of resilience in the face of future trauma.
- Grief Processing: The APA notes that grief is an active journey. "Making meaning" of what happened—rather than simply waiting for time to heal all wounds—allows for a more robust recovery. Closure is the ultimate form of meaning-making; it is the decision that the experience, however painful, has served its purpose in the individual’s life story.
Official Responses: Expert Insights on "The Myth of the Perfect Ending"
Clinical perspectives suggest that the cultural obsession with "closure" through conversation can actually be counterproductive. In many cases, "one last talk" leads to further trauma, re-victimization, or a reset of the healing clock.
Josiah Dicken’s clinical experience at Wayfinder Counseling & Coaching highlights that "closure is simply the ability to move past what was and to begin living again. It does not require a perfect ending." This sentiment is echoed across the therapeutic community. Many therapists now advocate for "no-contact" or "limited-contact" strategies in the wake of toxic relationships, precisely because seeking external closure from a person who lacks accountability is a futile exercise.
"The way people leave you… is all the closure you need," Dicken asserts, challenging the traditional "sticks and stones" adage. In the clinical setting, this is often referred to as "finding clarity in actions." When an individual stops listening to what a person says and starts observing what they do, the path to closure becomes much clearer.
Implications for Mental Health and Personal Growth
The implications of redefining closure are profound. If closure is a choice, it means that no one can "hold" an individual’s peace of mind hostage.
The Scar vs. The Wound
A common misconception is that closure means the absence of pain or the erasure of memory. Dicken clarifies that closure does not mean there is no scar. A scar is a sign of a healed wound; it is a permanent mark of what happened, but it no longer bleeds. "Because I will remember, because I have scars… I have more wisdom moving forward," Dicken writes. The presence of the scar is actually a tool for future discernment.
Freedom from the "Tainted Lens"
Without closure, individuals often view the world through a "tainted, broken, distorted lens of pain, sadness, and grief." This can lead to a cynical outlook on future relationships or opportunities. Achieving internal closure allows for the removal of this lens. It permits the individual to look forward to the future with curiosity rather than dread.
The Role of Professional Support
For many, the process of "turning the page" is too difficult to do alone. Licensed therapists play a crucial role in helping individuals identify the "perseverative" thoughts that keep them stuck. Therapy provides a safe space to process the lack of accountability from others and to build the internal strength necessary to declare a chapter finished.
Conclusion: Finding Peace in the Unfinished
Ultimately, closure is not the end of the story; it is the end of a chapter. The narrative of a person’s life continues, enriched by the wisdom gained from even the most painful endings.
As the field of psychology continues to evolve, the move toward self-empowered closure offers a path to peace that is accessible to everyone, regardless of the actions of others. In the words of Josiah Dicken, closure is more than just moving on. It is the active, daily choice to stop living in the past and start living in the present. It is, quite simply, "finding peace."
Frequently Asked Questions
Can you heal without forgiving?
Yes. Healing is the internal recovery of your emotional state. While forgiveness often accelerates healing by removing the "toxin" of bitterness, it is possible to recover your strength and move forward even if you are not yet ready to forgive.
Is it possible to have closure in a situation involving death?
Absolutely. In cases of grief and loss, closure involves accepting the reality of the loss and finding a way to integrate the memory of the deceased into a new life. It is the decision to move forward with the person’s legacy rather than staying stuck in the moment of their departure.
How do I know I’ve finally found closure?
You have found closure when you can look back at the event and see it as a part of your history rather than your present reality. You may still feel a sense of sadness, but the "sting" is gone, and the event no longer dictates your daily emotional temperature.
Josiah Dicken, MA, LPCC, is a licensed professional clinical counselor based in Colorado Springs, CO. He specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate complex life transitions and emotional trauma.
